On Recognizing Emotion Channeling and it’s effects on my Art

<<Painting above – early channeling art of mine, still as of now unfinished. A favorite of my dad’s>>

January 2016 – From my journal

I believe ‘swell’ and ‘surge’ to be the appropriate words to describe the sensation of such feeling that builds up, or is conjured by brilliant creativity, expression, emotion, or passion. Good or bad, focused or unruly and uncontrollable, it needs to leak somewhere – relieving, satisfying, like…channeling the energy of it, the emotion generated can be released. Feeling everything and passing it through me, not having to hold onto and manage the causes or reasons or meanings (not having to keep them inside of me as my own and try to prevent warping or distortion, overwhelm, or the tainting of my other contents). An ironic concept to a “feeler”: keeping feelings objective. But it is in art and writing and not many other aspects of life where I have been able to do just that; feel things without paying for their consequences, without fearing to pursue their reality too far and become overly immersed in a persona or position. Because feeling does not always equal truth or logic, and keeping objective allows the experience (like a strange high almost) to remain purely psychic, experimental, and for experiences of a different kind than those applied as lessons in the scope of one’s real life. Not actionable or intention-generating (which can, in my case, mean the devastation of well-being and spell misfortune for reasons not even properly founded, but just ill-channeled).

Whether or not they like or dislike the sensation, I think everyone should experience this at least once in their life. It is powerful, stirring, and can be enlightening, or damning…like watching brilliance, dedicated endeavor of passion in action through the fails and the flights and to the final result that is more beautiful for the ‘blood cost’.

“Channeling” is something I am recognizing as a trend in my tendencies; picking up/feeling/sharing emotions, trying to control or soothe them, understand and interpret them (which is a lovely challenge, given the amount of variables and variability). And thus I often do not plan my creative outputs, and rather just…unleash what comes, and what I have been holding on to, editing what comes, shaping it and transforming not only the result but myself and understanding as well. These efforts are naturally influenced by my interests, passions, pleasures, curiosities, and attention span (as well as my artistic abilities) but I do try to keep things open to interpretation, impression, theory, projection, etc. so that viewers can mix themselves in as they look; fill in, question, try to understand. Let them learn as much or more about something in them or about themselves – as much, if not more, than they learn about me.

I imagine that if I can encourage and inspire this sort of conduit with my work – like a personal level mental/psychic collaboration for those moments, for those who really look to SEE, then it is like the work is never finished, never perfect, but always carrying further potential. It becomes new with every pair of eyes – at least a little. Never dying, always changing, evolving, shaping, inspiring, and opening eyes and minds.

Maybe my greatest so far…

Working Title(s): On Feeling in Flow  (I don’t know if it’ll stay that, though…profound titling can be difficult); perhaps I’ll call it after myself: E/INFP-HSP (Briggs-Meyers personality type + highly-sensitive/empathic type person) since it’s certainly an abstract composition of symbolic elements in representation of visualized approximations of my inner churnings and burnings.

Largest image is most recent. Top right is earliest photo taken (result after the live paint event) in 2014, and bottom right is a midway point of progress, likely mid-to late 2015).

Dimensions: 20″ x 24″

Acrylic, watercolor, ink, graphite, and collage bits of my own artworks.

Started in late 2014 at a live paint at a nightclub show in Akron. Evolved from a composite of few separate drawings from my sketchbook (I’ll upload those also here shortly). Mostly worked on in spurts (not steadily or consistently until more recently). I’d like to see it in a gallery one day, and make prints of it to sell once it’s finished.

UPDATE: Original art sketches that were combined into the final above:

Mood Mode: Mental Malware

It is so very frustrating and defeating to be so violently at odds with my own mind. It seems everything positive is countered by an equal and stalemate-rendering negative, or conditional, that consistently keeps my progress at zero (likely the most consistent thing about me…). My mind of contradictions. So I learn something, gain a valuable insight, become inspired and motivated and hopeful about progress on an artwork, sales, becoming more organized,  developing healthy routines, implementing A.D.D-life controls to give me even one thread of solidity to follow through the whirlpool-tsunami of chaos that is my life as interpreted by my brain….it never sticks. It’s all so clear one moment, and easy and logical…and then it’s gone. Be it a distraction, a necessary (annoying) life requirement like eating, grooming, work-for-money (ugh), etc…and I lose the trajectory. Sure I write it down, and re-read it like I’d read a work of fiction: a novel idea that seems like it could work – just not for me, because these things never work for me. I gain the knowledge, but it’s proper and effective use is lost to me. If I’m not in the proper mindset or mood, all the knowledge in the world seems useless. The steps I made are erased. And even now, amidst surely a thousand things to say, I am tickling in an anxious and unpleasant way, remembering the awfulness of melancholy, and how revisiting it out of that mode so conveniently conjures it back up (unlike my useful progress moods, which won’t come when called). I don’t know what I need or how to fix it, and feel quite forlorn and useless. Perhaps all I have is a grand legacy of self-defeat, and an epic example of how not to accomplish anything, despite having quite a lot of potential. My brain makes these beautiful things – I am looking at one now – one of my paintings that’s going well (why haven’t I posted it? why can’t I do the easy simple things I know I should?) but then I remember all of the weights – how long it took, how I can’t post it easily like a smartphone-owner with an instagram (how I don’t even want an instagram, or at this very moment, any social anything anytime – which is equally variable by mood), how it’s not ready yet or should have a watermark when posted or a million other things BRAIN SHUT UP, LIMBIC SYSTEM CHILL THE FUCK OUT and STOP TINGLING for FUCKS SAKE. Ahh and back to a contradiction of how the relaxants that might ease my mind will counteract the stimulants which distract my distract-ability. I’d better move on before I start twitching.

Drawings: Notecards and Geometry

These drawings (done on standard note cards) represent some of my earliest experiments with form, line, geometric figures, and how to structure and fill compositions. If I had finished them all and say, published an art show or something, I would have called it “Geo-Safari”, and thus it would have shared a name with the first piece created:

  1. “Geo-Safari”  2. “GeoRaptor”  3. Original note card drawing of the artwork eventually adapted into “Madness” (though I would still like to adapt a version that fits better in this collection as I originally intended)  4. “Red-Eye”  5. “Geollyphant” 6.”GeoParrot”  7. “GeoWings”  8. “Mechnolick”  9. “Triagedy”

Most of these drawings were created with ink, graphite, acrylic paint, collaged paper, marker, and digital editing. They are in varying degrees of completion and conceptualization. I think most are from around 2013. I hope to adapt these or make something of them someday. Maybe….a gift card set? Postcards? Print sets?