Crafts and Gifts Cache #1-3

Eventually, even I get tired of explaining away (or trying to) my absence periods. And thus, just down to business: Despite the lull here, I am quite busy at my art and creating, so it is time to schedule a series of (long) finished objects for all of you lovely people to see. More to come!

  1. Mom’s Gazebo – Christmas gift custom painted wooden gazebo – from either 2013 or 2014 (we were still at the old house). Acrylic paint.

     

  2. Mom’s Star Box – mom’s birthday is on Christmas, so a lot typically goes on gift wise around that time (including my birthday on Christmas Eve…) I forget whether this was the same year as the gazebo or earlier…but it was around the general time period. Acrylic paint, nail polish, gold wrapping paper on wooden box.

     

  3. Katie’s Box – 2011 – for my friend’s birthday, acrylic paint on thick cardboard box thing. She’s a forestry/plants and such major and does a lot outdoors so I used leaves to make prints around the box. Unfortunately this seems to be before I had good item photography skills so I had to make some digital edits to clarify and tune down the shine of already tricky-to-photo-metallic paint on Hello Kitty on the box lid…and the annoyingly persistent perfectionist in me necessitates my mentioning the rustiness of my painting skills back then (the lettering could use work in my opinion), coupled with a time constraint I actually had to stick to (I believe she was moving away at the time) but I’m still very fond of how the patterning turned out, and as it seems no one else is as picky and particular of these things as I am, she loved it just the way it was, although I protested it wasn’t finished.

     

    So anyway, there’s three. There are many more and I’ll try to get them up regularly, I’ve photographed most, so that just leaves the edits/preps and commenting. Stay tuned!

She’s Not Here, Either

Title: “She’s Not There” (with a nod to the song of the same name by the Zombies). 2014. Developed from a sketch done around 2013. Photoshop and graphite.

Concepts reflect a lot of what I was feeling at the time; (descriptive words): facade, subliminal, defiance, poison, forbidden, pain management, twisted passion and intent, misdirection, survival persona, facet, temptress, morbidity, hollow.

Resigned to evil for desires, needs, impulses, and though not malicious in original intent, results stained like a sacrifice of blood for peace. She is acceptance of the inner darkness, made possible through the abandonment of sympathy, naivety, illusion, and social decorum.She is the fiery passion, the intensity of all that burns, and such a flame consumes all else. Retaining only the selfishness, desire, the temptation of moths to a flame, it is the only way to continue on un-extinguished. As they burn, so would she if of similar accelerant made. She summons with a deadly beauty, a sickly sweet decay perfume, and keeps and feeds with a poison like ambrosia, a toxic addiction that is never forsaken.

It is not so far-fetched thus to view a demon as a survival persona.

I leave the extent of her truth and fate to each individual viewer. Is goodness, hope, selflessness adeptly buried away in a survival bargain? Or has it been completely lost altogether? And what are the boundaries of being – is it all you are and have been, or only what you are most recently? Does it include the parts of yourself you’ve disconnected, but that still exist dormant or hidden?

Another song: “Falling in love again” the version sung by Christina Aguilera.

I’m going to start planning to make prints to sell, or cards or whatnot. And I’m thinking of making similar concept ladies to create a collection/set of emotion/persona beauties in various colors.

Mood Mode: Mental Malware

It is so very frustrating and defeating to be so violently at odds with my own mind. It seems everything positive is countered by an equal and stalemate-rendering negative, or conditional, that consistently keeps my progress at zero (likely the most consistent thing about me…). My mind of contradictions. So I learn something, gain a valuable insight, become inspired and motivated and hopeful about progress on an artwork, sales, becoming more organized,  developing healthy routines, implementing A.D.D-life controls to give me even one thread of solidity to follow through the whirlpool-tsunami of chaos that is my life as interpreted by my brain….it never sticks. It’s all so clear one moment, and easy and logical…and then it’s gone. Be it a distraction, a necessary (annoying) life requirement like eating, grooming, work-for-money (ugh), etc…and I lose the trajectory. Sure I write it down, and re-read it like I’d read a work of fiction: a novel idea that seems like it could work – just not for me, because these things never work for me. I gain the knowledge, but it’s proper and effective use is lost to me. If I’m not in the proper mindset or mood, all the knowledge in the world seems useless. The steps I made are erased. And even now, amidst surely a thousand things to say, I am tickling in an anxious and unpleasant way, remembering the awfulness of melancholy, and how revisiting it out of that mode so conveniently conjures it back up (unlike my useful progress moods, which won’t come when called). I don’t know what I need or how to fix it, and feel quite forlorn and useless. Perhaps all I have is a grand legacy of self-defeat, and an epic example of how not to accomplish anything, despite having quite a lot of potential. My brain makes these beautiful things – I am looking at one now – one of my paintings that’s going well (why haven’t I posted it? why can’t I do the easy simple things I know I should?) but then I remember all of the weights – how long it took, how I can’t post it easily like a smartphone-owner with an instagram (how I don’t even want an instagram, or at this very moment, any social anything anytime – which is equally variable by mood), how it’s not ready yet or should have a watermark when posted or a million other things BRAIN SHUT UP, LIMBIC SYSTEM CHILL THE FUCK OUT and STOP TINGLING for FUCKS SAKE. Ahh and back to a contradiction of how the relaxants that might ease my mind will counteract the stimulants which distract my distract-ability. I’d better move on before I start twitching.

What’s in a Name

One of the things I have struggled with over the past few years is coming up with a good, solid, consistent way to represent myself – most notably, what should I use as my artist name? My legal name(s) aren’t really much to write home about, or particularly memorable or striking, not to mention not any more personally identifying than their intrinsic value. I want something that suits me, that feels right when I say it, when I see it written, that I can adapt (as I do with all nicknames and monikers, and words in general) but still always return to. It has to describe or at least have the feel, the temperament, the mood of me and thus, my art (which is very much an extension of myself in that almost all of it is self initiated and influenced and driven only by my impulses and interests).

For a long time I have played with variations on them (from Holly I got Hollibel, which I used for a bit, but it just doesn’t seem quite right. Not the right tone. Too light perhaps?) and developed initials, signatures, all sorts of things but nothing sticks or feels like…”aha this is it”. Then I experimented with “Hollow” (Holly + W from one last name) or Holloh (said the same, but also a palindrome) but the word itself just wasn’t a proper fit for always. So for now I’ve got Holly Zezu, a shortening of my legal name, which is at least functional in that it won’t go obsolete, is unique enough, and mildly fun while still identifying and accurate. But the endeavor will persist, I’m sure, until I find something that really fits, something that can embody and represent my creative talents and who I am and can be as an artist, without the failings and/or shortcomings of the rest of my identity necessarily included.